30 Ways to Annoy Galbatorix THE FANFICTION
by insertappropropriatenamehere
Summary: In which the Mary Sue Amberosia finds herself bored and in Alagaesia, Shruiken is evil, and Galbatorix is genre-savvy. Based off '30 Ways to Annoy Galbatorix' by Eleirah.
1. Chapter 1

AN: We finally got to do this. Amberosia stars in this one. Three examples per chapter, because these got long and I firmly believe crack should be short, or things tend to get repetitive and not funny after a while. We suggest listening to some appropriate music while listening to this, such as Requiem for a Dream (Clint Mansell) or O Fortuna (Carl Orff, I think). Or maybe just Caramelldansen.

Disclaimer: I own neither the Inheritance Cycle (or the battles would be more period-appropriate) nor Eleirah's 30 Ways to Annoy Galbatorix. Read at your peril.

Summary: In which the Mary Sue Amberosia finds herself bored and in Alagaesia, Shruiken is evil, and Galbatorix is genre-savvy.

"Talking"

"_Mind-talking"_

_Thoughts_

XxXxX

Chapter 1

XxXxX

Amberosia smiled as she pondered the list. She really had to thank Tensa-chan for giving this to her at the annual Mary Sue Organization meeting.

Poor Galby-kun would never know what hit him.

Nor would he like to be called 'Galby-kun', assuming he even knew what the honorific meant. With those cheery thoughts in mind, Amberosia read the first idea on the list and stepped through the portal to Alagaesia.

A vaguely familiar-looking chestnut horse whickered at her. Taking her cue, Amberosia marched off through the Imperial stables and into the Palace proper.

XxXxX

1. Poke him when he isn't looking.

Galbatorix knew someone was watching him. He _knew_ it, just like he'd known about the Varden assassin and that one time he was still a Rider when Morzan and Brom were spying on him….

He surreptitiously drew his trusty killing knife (not the sword, that thing was far too long to be swinging in close quarters) and spun around to face his worst enemy.

"Oh, shit."

The Mary Sue behind him grinned evilly, then reached out and-

poked him?

"What in the name of Eragon's great-" he twitched away, wondering what this crazy Mary Sue had in store for him and if he were finally about to go bonkers. This was the problem with being a villain, damn it.

Without thinking too clearly on the subject, or he would have run away from the Mary Sue as fast as he could have in the other direction, he turned around and walked away.

Bad idea.

Poke.

He stiffened, but ignored the superpowered nuisance and walked off. The Earl of Dorcaster-

Poke.

His hand clenched momentarily before he forced himself to keep walking. This is why-

Poke.

This time he actually considered fighting back, as futile as that would ultimately end up being. He sped up-

Poke.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" he bellowed, whirling around.

The Mary Sue only grinned evilly and held up a small sheaf of paper. Being the rather genre savvy villain that he was, he recognized it for what it was immediately.

"Oh, shit."

XxXxX

2. Take his sword and run around the castle screaming, "I AM A CRAZY-KING!"

Thankfully, the Mary Sue had deigned to bother him for the rest of the day. The next morning, Galbatorix woke up, fully prepared to ignore the anomaly of the previous day, when the nervous, harassed look on his aide's face made him change his mind.

"What is it?"

"My- my lord," the man began, glancing at the door nervously, where no fewer than thirteen of his fellow workers were eavesdropping, waiting to see how their latest scapegoat would be crucified, literally or figuratively. "Well, it's that Mary Sue."

Galbatorix immediately resigned himself to terrible, terrible news he could do nothing about as he got up and began searching for his trousers. "Go on."

"WellthatMarySuestoleyourswordandisnowrunningaroundthePalacedisturbingvariousimportantguestsand-" the man gasped for breath "-screamingavaguelyinsultingcommentatthetopofherlungs."

Galbatorix paused to process the man's word(s?), and when his mind caught up, he dropped the ridiculously froofy bright yellow smiley-face-embroidered silk pants he did not remember owning. "What, exactly, is she screaming?" he asked, dreading to know the answer.

The man paused. "It is some variation of-"

"Get to the point, and I'll promote you to my manservant," Galbatorix said, mentally mind crushing the manservant behind the door. The other servants gasped inaudibly and ran away.

"It's 'I AM A CRAZY-KING!'" the new manservant said apologetically. "And it's with your sword."

"The only remaining symbol I have of my beloved original dragon?" Galbatorix gasped. "We must stop her! You- um, what's your name?"

"Pumpernickel Snickerduggums, sir."

"You're kidding me."

"My mother had a sense of humor. Most people call me Nick."

"Very well. Nick, after her!"

When they finally caught up with the Mary Sue, Amberosia looked at them curiously. "Yes?"

"I, Great King Galbatorix, and my valorous manservant, Nick, will stop you! And gimme back my sword!"

"Nick? Is that even canon for a name?"

"It's short for Pumpernickel," Galbatorix said before he could stop himself. The Mary Sue burst out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter before an uncomfortable silence descended.

"Um, oh." Probably due to guilt, the Mary Sue handed the sword over and shuffled off, still restraining the occasional giggle.

"For what it's worth, my man, I offer my deepest apologies," Galbatorix said. Shruiken snickered in his head. _"Now this is what I signed up for! The evulz!" _

"_You already had me take over the world, Shruiken! And kill your original rider because he wouldn't do it!" _

XxXxX

The Mary Sue was out shopping for pink hair dye in a boring, everyday alternate dimension run by Walmart. Okay, so maybe not everyday. Walmart's only taken over one dimension so far.

But that's not important. What is important is the fact that our beloved Mary Sue is out buying pink hair dye. Why? Because of her list of ways to annoy Galby. And Pumpernickel.

3. Dye his hair neon pink when he's asleep.

Amberosia chuckled evilly, flipped back brilliant blonde hair that would have looked overblown and, well, blonde on anyone of lesser Mary Sue-ness. She sauntered down to the checkout aisle where atrocious muzak blazed out on speakers and willfully ignored the jabbering of the big biker dude in front of her who kept blabbing on and on about the miraculous converting power of Scientology.

One look and he fell at her feet, begging for forgiveness, her willing slave in blah blah blah. Amberosia ignored her new minion and went off to finish her dastardly deed.

Not really. She was thinking up fun ways to torture poor Pumpernickel. Luckily, when she returned to Uru'baen, bypassing the Vault of Souls on the way, it was already past the king's bedtime. Using skill, luck, and a little Mary Sue magic, Amberosia dyed the infamous tyrant's hair neon pink with Mrs. Luvit's Permanent Hair Dye in Bright Pink! ™

Then she snuck out, rinsed the last of the pink-tinted water from her hands, and went to enjoy the fun.

Along the way, she met Pumpernickel.

"Hey, Kel!"

The poor manservant jumped, mentally calculating how fast he could get himself killed by the elves. Let's see; three weeks to plan the trip, six months with a caravan up to Gil'ead, another month or two to get to Du Weldenvarden, plus however long it took for the elves to notice and kill him… nah, too long.

"Um, hello, Oh Great Mary Sue. But I must ask, why are you calling me Kel?"

Amberosia shrugged merrily. "It's also short for Pumpernickel. You know, Kel as in Keladry."

"But- isn't Keladry a girl's name?"

"So?"

Pum-_**Nick**_- nearly cried.

Galbatorix woke up, feeling refreshed. The first thing he heard was the soft, defeated sobbing of his manservant in the corner. Damn it, so the Mary Sue was back. He really had to get her out of Alagaesia before she gave the Varden any ideas.

The next thing he noticed, as he looked at the vast mirror on the opposite wall from the one the overly elaborate headboard of his bed (he reminded himself subconsciously to do some redecorating in the near future, preferably after the Mary Sue had gone) rested against, was that his hair was pink.

PINK.

BRIGHT, NEON PINK.

He screamed.

XxXxX

To Be Continued.

End Notes: In here is a shout out to another fic. If you can recognize it, hooray for you. You get a virtual cookie. Then go read that other fic. It's also good.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Sorry for the late update. First, my computer crashed. Then, I had midterms. And a week after midterms were over, I have finals. Yeah. I'm not sure why my chem class has 4 midterms, but there you go. Also, I'll be posting up the original list somewhere, since Eleirah has taken hers down. Also, 'Eleirah' no longer exists.

Disclaimer: I do not own. Anyone who thinks otherwise has delusions of idiocy. Also, I don't own Dr. Phil and Amberosia is my friend. So this time it's not a self-insert.

XxXxX

Chapter 2

XxXxX

4. Tell Shruikan that you'll set him free if he sits on Galbatorix.

It was just another ordinary day for Shruikan. He sat in his evil lair, surrounded by the greatest opulence and comfort imaginable, planning his diabolical world takeover while delicately nibbling thin slices of perfectly poached turnip.

Okay, so turnip wasn't a very dragonlike thing to like, but he liked it. It was good.

The door opened.

"More turni- oh." Shruikan pretended to sneeze and spat a great gout of fire at the Mary Sue. When the flames cleared, she was still there. "What do you want?"

"I'll set you free if you sit on Galbatorix," the Mary Sue offered boredly.

Shruikan snickered and concentrated on thinking up a dragony reply. "You presume too much. Do you know how hard it is to find decent evil megalomaniacs nowadays? I'm so close to achieving my vision of ruling the world! But your proposition interests me. I'll do it- for the lulz!"

"Are you sure you're not Anonymous?" the Mary Sue asked doubtfully while searching through her backpack for a camera. Shruikan quickly shoved his magical laptop (and a dragon's laptop had to be magical) into an enormous stack of gold coins with his tail. A large bolt of silk promptly fell onto it, obscuring the mess.

"No, blame the Scientologists," he said unconvincingly.

"Riiight."

"Let's go," Shruikan said hastily, squeezing his bulk through the doors- was it just him, or were the doors getting narrower? Nah, it had to be the doors. Nothing could detract from his perfect dragon body. Nothing at all!

Galbatorix was listening to someone blab on and on about different types of grains harvested at the farms near Dras-Leona when Shruikan entered. His stomach plummeted.

"Everyone is dismissed!" Except Nick, of course, because Nick was currently sobbing into his king's bedsheets. Galbatorix wished he could just kill the man, except then the Mary Sue wouldn't have another handy, convenient distraction.

Without waiting for the last few people to scurry out, Shruikan heaved his magnificent bulk – Galbatorix frowned. Was the dragon gaining weight? He didn't want Shruikan too heavy to fly – over to the king. The last thing Galbatorix saw was an enormous draconic hindquarters heading for his face as he frantically put up shields to avoid being crushed.

It was the Mary Sue's fault somehow. He knew it was.

XxXxX

5. Insist on calling him 'Galby' whenever he's talking to important visitors.

Galbatorix let out a silent sigh of relief as he possessed Murtagh, ignoring the various aches and smells of being sat upon by a dragon. He really wished he had time for a hot bath and long nap, but Murtagh was already engaging the elven forces. Lucky man – oh, hey, that one elf Rider was still alive- what was his name again? Glaedr? No, that was the dragon's name. Boromir? No, that couldn't be right. Neither could 'Orochimaru'… hunh. He really did have to cut down on the fantasy. Mentally, he cursed Christopher Paolini for naming him 'King of the Fatsos'. Even if Shruikan was getting fat.

The elf was talking.

Oh, right. His name was Oromis. He began his speech.

"Anger is a poison. You must purge it from your mind or else-"

The Mary Sue popped up. "Galby!"

"-MY NAME ISN'T GALBY!"

A sudden and complete silence descended.

He'd just said it aloud, hadn't he?

Shruikan snickered in the back of his mind. So did Murtagh and Thorn.

Crap. There went his credibility.

XxXxX

6. Set him up with an appointment with Dr. Phil.

He desperately needed to get his credibility back. The elves were laughing at him. He just knew it.

Also, Oromis was dead.

Probably.

Nick appeared with his schedule. "My lord," he said nervously. "You have an audience in twenty minutes, and at noon you will meet with- dee arr Phil? Oh, Dr. Phil."

Galbatorix sat up. "What?"

"It's that Mary Sue's fault again, isn't it?" the manservant sighed. "I will go remedy the problem."

Shruikan was laughing at him again.

At noon, he was sitting on a couch facing a middle-aged guy- he was older than Dr. Phil, damn it! He didn't need therapy from a younger man. Also, how that Mary Sue had broken canon and gotten a portal to Dr. Phil without elicting negative consequences such as the destruction of his universe he did not want to know.

And then Dr. Phil asked him what his problems were.

"You see, when my beloved original dragon died, bless her name, I was emotionally distraught. Then Shruikan found me, and I was so desperate to find another dragon that he convinced me to kill his original rider and take over Alagaesia."

There were gasps and sympathetic noises from the audience. Had Christopher Paolini been portraying him as an archetypical Evil Overlord megalomaniac tyrant again? That boy was in deep trouble.

"So after that, I found myself burdened with citizens, a rebellion, a crazy dragon, and thirteen crazy worshippers. Seriously, I think Morzan started a cult. The Black Hand, or something. And now they expect _me_ to lead them now he's dead."

There were snickers coming from the audience now. Galbatorix adjusted his jerkin.

"I mean, I'm doing my best, but the Varden keep squashing my efforts, and Shruikan wants me to be evil, and do you know how hard it is to keep thirteen million citizens happy? Especially in a city like Dras-Leona? I should just raze it to the ground, is what I should do."

"Well," Dr. Phil began, "it sounds like you have quite a problem there."

"I know," Galbatorix said saidly. "And now Eragon's trying to kill me, too. I mean, can't I have regular assassins for a change? You know, cloak and dagger stuff? Noooo, I get a magical teenage Marty Stu-to-be with a dragon. And the dragon is a Mary Sue. And I have Shruikan. Shruikan! Have you ever heard Shruikan talk? It's enough to drive you crazy!"

He didn't bother to wait for the audience this time. He just dove for the portal. Because he was late for an appointment.

Yeah, an appointment.

Not with the Mary Sue.

XxXxX

I wrote this as stress relief for finals. I hope you all liked it. :D

Now review. The number of reviews is inversely proportional to the time it takes me to update. So review!


	3. Chapter 3

AN: And now, for Yugioh the Abridged Series… just kidding.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Eragon. Especially not the movie.

XxXxX

Chapter 3

XxXxX

7. Add "But who cares?" after you say ANYTHING to him.

"I heard you diving through the portal," the Mary Sue said as Galbatorix stood up and brushed his clothes off. "But who cares?"

Was the Mary Sue… actually being a decent person?

Nah, it was his imagination. She was probably planning something cruel and twisted for him.

Little did he know how right he was.

It took him all of three days to calm down and assess the damage. His reputation was gone, that crazy Eragon was coming after him, and he was fairly sure Murtagh was plotting something behind his back.

He _knew_ Shruikan was plotting behind his back.

At least it looked like the Mary Sue wasn't coming ba-

The Mary Sue came in. Ah, damn it.

"Murtagh is taking anger management classes to try to change his True Name so he can run back to his half brother," Amberosia began, "but who cares?"

"What?" He knew it!

"I could repeat what I just said," the Mary Sue continued, "But who cares?"

Galbatorix simply shrugged nervously. The Mary Sue was planning something, he knew it. He wondered if he could sic the Black Hand on her- nah, that would probably be a waste of resources. They were all somewhere in Surda, anyways. The King of the Fatsos (_stupid translation conventions_) shrugged.

"Um, what?"

"Are you sure you can hear me?" the Mary Sue asked, waving her hand in her face before rocking back on her heels and putting a (false, he was sure) concerned look on her face. "But who cares?" She shrugged.

That was just _creepy_. Galbatorix began edging towards the door nervously, hoping the Mary Sue wouldn't eat his sanity before he could escape her.

"Never mind then," he said. Three steps… two…

"I'll wish you goodbye, then," the Mary Sue said grandly, "but who cares?"

Galbatorix fled.

XxXxX

8. Mimic him in a high, girlish voice whenever he speaks.

Galbatorix slammed the door shut and began thinking of the latest Mary Sue containment procedures he'd read in _Overlords Monthly_. Right. He'd best get started.

The next day, he felt better, well enough to call another Court session. His heart sank as he realized who was standing beside his throne.

"You!" he bellowed, pointing at the Mary Sue, who was wearing a red-and-gold confection that would have looked tawdry and cheap on anyone less perfect.

"You!" the Mary Sue squeaked back, raising a hand to her mouth dramatically. She sounded rather like a ten-year-old girl on helium.

"OUT!" Some little corner of his mind told him he was throwing a tantrum, but he didn't really care anymore. Blasted Mary Sues!

"_OUUUUUTTTT!_" the Mary Sue trilled, putting her perfect singing voice to good use. _The sound was like listening to a choir of heavenly angels, whatever heavenly angels were,_ that little mental corner of Galbatorix's brain noted before he squashed it relentlessly, just as he squashed the ensuing desire to bang his head against the nearest flat, vertical surface.

"Court dismissed!" Galbatorix bellowed, ignoring the magic flaring around him in a brilliant radius, and the courtiers scattered, none of them willing to be in the same room with a Mary Sue either. He was pretty sure the eldunari were laughing at him.

In the ensuing diaspora, the Mary Sue had vanished. Galbatorix took the hint and headed to his treasure room. The wards should let only him in, anyways, and he should have nothing to fear from that blasted – creature.

There he found the Mary Sue poking at the assembled eldunari and whispering to them conspiratorially. His heart sank.

XxXxX

9. Tell everyone you meet that you taught the King everything he knows.

Was the Mary Sue plotting with the eldunari? He was fairly sure they couldn't leave- oh, right. His opponent was a Mary Sue. She could do whatever she wanted.

Then he got in close enough to listen to her.

"I taught him everything he knows, you know, Irinata," Amberosia whispered, flicking her hair so that it settled in a golden nimbus around her face. "Shruiken holds nothing on me."

The orange stone pulsed with amusement. The green one next to it flickered coquettishly. The Mary Sue giggled.

Galbatorix felt a vein in his head pulse angrily. "She did not!" he almost bawled. "She's lying!"

He realized the Mary Sue had simply been pranking him when she shrugged. "Aaaargh!"

The eldunari were definitely laughing at him behind his back.

A few days later, he resumed court again.

A random Baron – Luxor, was it? – bowed. "Your Majesty, I would crave a boon."

"Speak."

"That heinous Mary Sue, Her Grace and Majesty Amberosia, Queen of Adumbria and Heir to the Crown of Righteousness, as well as many titles I feel would be best left unrecited, has gone back for the annual Mary Sue Organization convention to, as she put it, 'not miss out on the epic concentration of awesomeness'," the Baron – no, his name was definitely not Luxor – began nervously.

So the Mary Sue was gone? Galbatorix breathed a mental sigh of relief. Shruiken sniggered at him. A horrible thought hit him.

"How did you come by the Mary Sue's exact words? Did you come in contact with her?"

He could almost smell the Baron's nervousness. "Um, er, well- !"

Galbatorix was taken aback and said the only words in his mind; "Wait. What?"

"!"

"Oh." He breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, then-"

"Also, ?"

Galbatorix could almost feel the plotting begin. He had to stamp this nonsense out now.

"Of course not. What gave you _that_ nonsense?"

"She… did…" With a thought, Galbatorix blew the Baron into the opposing wall a hundred feet away. For the first time in a long time, the audience chamber was dead quiet.

Then there was an epic explosion. Galbatorix thought it would have been very cheesy had the person who appeared in the middle of the smoke not been his worst nightmare- the Mary Sue.

"Just kidding!"

XxXxX

And thus ends the third chapter. I hope you enjoyed it. Happy whatever holiday you celebrate or don't celebrate!


	4. Chapter 4

AN: What struck me as rather odd and a little sad was a reviewer asking me how many chapters this fic would be. Considering how I said in the author's note in the beginning of the first chapter that there would be three (and only three!) examples in this chapter and the _title itself_ mentions that there are exactly thirty ways, I would assume that comes out to equal ten chapters. Then I realized people probably don't read these little notes, so I'm conducting a poll. If you've read this, please drop a little note in your review of this chapter (even after I've posted up later chapters). I also predict that this chapter will get more reviews than any other chapter in this fic, despite not being the first or last chapter.

Also, I pulled an all-nighter for you readers instead of packing for school or hanging out with my friends. I hope you appreciate this chapter. The lack of sleep would certainly explain why writing this felt like I was on crack. Not that I've ever been on crack.

Disclaimer: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! Now, does that really sound like the laugh of someone obsessed about righteousness and justice (Paolini, I'm looking at you, this is why fans like Murtagh)?

XxXxX

Chapter 4

XxXxX

10. When Galbatorix inevitably starts screaming at you, just smile in a pitying way and ask – "Oh dear… did poor Galby forget to take his medicine again?"

The Mary Sue casually reached over and stole a sausage from Galbatorix's plate – the sausage he'd been saving all dinner. Galbatorix choked.

"-_mine_-"

It was the last straw. The Mary Sue had been bothering him for nearly a week – stealing all his clothing except the horrible yellow pants, dying his guards' armor bright orange "to make them look sneakier" (how does bright orange make _ANYTHING_ not at an orange convention sneakier?!), giving away state secrets to his most rebellious barons and the Varden, giving Murtagh a breakdown (he'd love to learn how the Mary Sue did that), pranking his eldunari, scaring off the servants with large, frightening displays of power (_no one _should be able to make someone's head explode like that, no matter how bad a rapist the victim was), those sorts of things. Galbatorix nearly turned purple. "_MY SAUSAGE!_"

The Mary Sue smirked. Galbatorix felt his heart drop somewhere beyond his boots. In a far-recessed corner of his mind, a miniature him was running around in circles, panicking and praying to a mental shrine of Jarnunvösk to save him. "Oh dear… did poor Galby forget to take his medicine again?"

The ensuing silence was so deafening Galbatorix doubted he'd register the noise a dropped pin would make. The rest of Galbatorix's court stared at him in consternation or voracity, acted like nothing had happened, froze in shock, or started gossiping or telling lewd jokes about his… sausage to each other, according to their individual natures. Although he was fairly sure that the only reason Duke Joranjuss was acting like nothing had happened was because he'd purposely forgotten his hearing aid again to avoid talking to the Baroness and Earl sitting on either side of him and because he was senile enough to not have noticed anything yet. As if on cue, Joranjuss dropped his forkful of poached pheasant and tried to act like he knew what was going on. The entire court – and the future stability of the Empire – hung on Galbatorix's answer.

"_MY-_ what?"

"What, no diet pills, headache meds, anti-aging treatments?" Amberosia asked flippantly, making a dismissive gesture casually with one hand. Several idiots in the impromptu audience sighed with longing. Galbatorix reminded himself to kill them all and string them from the walls of Uru'Baen as an example.

"I have no idea what motivated you to suggest such a preposterous idea," he grumbled, trying to sound kingly.

The Mary Sue held up the accursed piece of paper.

"…"

The Mary Sue's smile was _hellish_.

He wasn't afraid to admit that he screamed like a little girl.

XxXxX

11. Think up a stupid question and continue to ask it no matter what he does.

Eragon knew some great force – a disgruntled god, perhaps? – was helping the Varden. Recent reports held that Galbatorix had been hassled by a woman who all accounts described as hauntingly beautiful and immeasurably perfect. And incredibly intelligent. Various reports had described her as "statuesque", "with delightful proportions", "the love of my life", "the best person in all of existence, bar none (not even the elves)", and one odd report consisted entirely of the phrase "You should have sent a poet". That man had promptly been reassigned elsewhere.

"She's a Mary Sue, isn't she?" Eragon realized. "An ally!"

_Of course,_ Saphira sniffed fondly from her position with her head hovering over his shoulder, somehow accidentally setting his hair on fire. He yelped and put it out.

"Do you think we should investigate and help?"

Off in Uru'Baen, Galbatorix felt a sudden sense of impending doom. The Mary Sue had been off in some other place, which was fine by him. He needed a break, before he went insane again. Once had been enough, thank you very much.

That, and he still wasn't sure he was quite fully sane even now. Also, some idiot storyteller had written a great epic dedicated to Jarnunvösk, but had somehow managed to refer to him as a female, because his greatest reference had apparently been that idiot Brom's rendition.

Stupid Brom, not even getting his dragon's gender correct.

In a completely different universe, the Mary Sue scrolled down a Yahoo! page and selected a random question. That done, she scribbled it down on her battered, beautifully weathered copy of '30 Ways to Annoy Galbatorix', created a portal to Galbatorix's bedroom, and promptly appropriated his enormous couch.

Soon enough, Galbatorix entered, apparently in the process of undressing, considering that his shirt was untucked and open and he was pulling his belt off, looking startled to see her. He, of course, then said the first thing that came to mind.

"Are those real?"

The Mary Sue in sexy lingerie winked at him slowly. Galbatorix felt heat pooling in his cheeks and in other, more interesting places. "So," the Mary Sue purred. "How many people have you had sex with?"

"What?" Well, that killed the mood.

"Males and females and intersex people all count. Was it kinky? Fun? Were you topping? Seme? Or do you enjoy the feel of someone's-"

Galbatorix dove for the bed and shoved the pillow over his ears, drowning out the Mary Sue's chatter. When he finally dared open his senses a few hours later, the Mary Sue was gone.

He had nightmares about her that night. Vagina dentata didn't even begin to describe it. Therefore, the next morning, when she popped up halfway during breakfast, just as he was about to bite into a buttered roll, at first his mind failed to recognize the implications of her appearance.

"How many people have you had sex with?"

Suddenly, non-phallic-shaped foods looked much more appetizing.

By the time the kitchen sent up his new breakfast and he'd added dried currants to his oatmeal, the Mary Sue was gone.

Nick sighed. "Do we even want to know?"

Galbatorix shoveled oatmeal into his mouth.

XxXxX

12. Spray paint Shruikan yellow.

Shruikan looked at the odd metal cylinder the Mary Sue held. _'That is the singular weirdest method I can imagine applying paint,'_ the dragon growled.

The Mary Sue smirked. "Imagine the look on Galbatorix's face. And don't move. I made sure I got the non-toxic paint this time."

'_This time?!'_ there was definite worry in the dragon's mind-voice.

"Ah, don't worry about it! It'll be fine! Probably…" and with that, the Mary Sue sprayed him with her can of Magical Insta-Finish, Ultra-Strong, Extra Long-Lasting, Super-Shiny Pale Goldenrod # 433251, Guaranteed to Spread a Perfect, Even Coat™, before he could sidle away.

A fine layer of gold covered the enormous black dragon.

"Hey, we don't even need primer!"

By now, Galbatorix was fairly sure Murphy's Law was in full force, so he decided to visit Shruikan for advice, no matter how bad the advice usually was. There's only so many problems that death and destruction can solve, after all.

At first, he thought that somehow Shruikan had run away and been replaced by a golden statue or perhaps just turned into one or maybe Glaedr had eaten him and somehow regrown his limb and was waiting to stalk him or kill him or something for some odd reason (Oromis might have something to do with that), but then the dragon sneezed pitifully and futilely attempted to scratch away the paint covering his scales, and Galbatorix realized it was Shruikan.

The formerly black dragon stared at him sadly. _'I quite agree. The Mary Sue must go.'_

The two of them spent the entire day reminiscing about their "glory days", back when they still went out and did things.

"Ah, and I remember when we fought Whassisface, Valdir… Vanyel… Vrael," Galbatorix hiccupped, reaching through time and space to steal another cask of expensive dwarven mead from the kitchens and dipping into it with a similarly pilfered goblet. He took an appreciative sip. "Ah, that was a good one."

Shruikan snaked his neck down and drank the rest of the barrel before making an odd gurgling noise. '_I believe I shall need fireweed tomorrow,_' the dragon commented. _'Ah, he so wasn't expecting you to kick him in the balls. This is why being a dragon is better; we have retractable bits. They don't dangle. They make it so much easier-'_

"Toooo much infom… in'o… info…" Galbatorix said, surveying Shruikan's room. He could have sworn there were flashing lights. "Tooo mush – _hic_ – meeeeaaaaad. I shee – see – starsh. And a Merryry Shu… come to papa."

'_Giant marshmallows floating on green sky… pagoda…'_

"Whuuuut?" There was an enormous groaning noise and then a crash as Shruikan fell over, having drunken himself into a stupor. Galbatorix studied the claw that had landed two feet in front of him, baffled, before deciding that the dragon's treasures would make a rather fun bed.

"Heh, shleeeping on sold – solid – gold… heh."

The Mary Sue stepped into the light, holding up a sleek digital camera. She took a picture of the drunken king and his equally drunken dragon lying amongst piles of gold and gems and other things she didn't feel like identifying but looked equally expensive and empty barrels of mead.

"Perhaps I should tell the cooks where their entire year's supply of mead went," Amberosia mused as she flipped through the incriminating photos. "I have enough blackmail material to last the rest of his reign."

Then she marched out, ignoring the heavy smell of alcohol perfuming the air around her. "Ah, back to business."

She had torment to plan.

XxXxX

AN: I have absolutely no idea if all drunk people sound like that, but the ones I've talked with (two notable incidents involving very, very drunk collegiates after a football game and after a particularly wild co-op party on Halloween) did sound like that. It was hilarious. Especially since the one on Halloween involved the girl in question _sneaking up an entire bottle of vodka past campus and dorm security._ And they say my school isn't a party school. I stay in all day to write and I still meet crazy drunk people. And hobos.

There might be some overlap in those last two categories…


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Welcome back to another installment of this fic. Please, give your respect to the people of Haiti. We might not live in Port-au-Prince, but we're all human. Send donations, or even better, send trees. (Haiti's poverty comes mainly from aggressive deforestation – now that there are no trees, the fertile topsoil has mostly blown away into the ocean, and there's almost nothing that can grow there now. This is why conservation is good.) Also, I've put in at least one shout out per chapter. Good luck finding them. :D

Disclaimer: Duh.

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Chapter 5

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13. Glare and kick him in the shins whenever he passes you in the corridor.

Galbatorix sighed at the latest reports, safely ensconced at his desk . The Mary Sue had been stalking his corridors, smelling of old mead, for once her stride slightly less than perfect.

Therefore, on his way to find a serviceable privy (for some reason the privies kept jamming with truly horrendous amounts of vomit and hangover cures), Galbatorix quite literally bumped into the last person he wanted to see. Or rather, he was bowled over by what felt like a six-month dragonet.

The Mary Sue turned around slowly, darkness gathering around them. Her golden bangs shaded her eyes, and her full lips pulled into a perfect scowl. Amberosia might have made a strangled sound. She definitely smelled like the missing casks of mead. And Galbatorix was most definitely not stepping into Shruikan's room until the dragon had recovered.

Lovely blue irises like the color of a cloudless, perfect sky glowed out at him from the suddenly encroaching darkness; Galbatorix began backing away while simultaneously mentally scrambling to figure out how he could copy that look. That was _creepy_.

He blurted out the first thing that came to his mind, a phrase he hadn't used in over a century, except maybe to appease Nick. That man would definitely suffer for forcing him to say such an uncharacteristic thing. Maybe. "Um, sorry?"

The Mary Sue turned and delivered a crushing kick between his legs. Galbatorix went down with a high-pitched squeak. "In the name of the immortal Yahtzee, 'it might be a pretty and well-executed kick in the balls, but at the end of the day you're still walking funny'," Amberosia intoned solemnly.

He definitely wasn't going to father anything anytime soon, not that fathering anything was on his to-do list, and he definitely wasn't interested.

From his position on the floor, he saw the Mary Sue pull out a familiar, hated sheaf of paper, then leaf through it.

She pivoted casually and delivered a Perfectly Ultimate Great Kick to his shins before stalking off, taking the apparently portable darkness with her.

Galbatorix curled up on the floor and whimpered in pain. "Why me?"

XxXxX

14. Throw the jam far at him during breakfast and claim that Murtagh did it.

Galbatorix almost dodged a kick to the shins as he entered the dining hall for breakfast; the Mary Sue could pack a nasty kick. At this rate, he'd give himself resistance to magical healing or arthritis or run out of stamina or something, a prospect he hadn't considered since he'd first begun expanding his power.

He was happy to note that the kitchen had started sending up doubled quantities of sausages in the morning. Both he and the Mary Sue enjoyed them, and while he burned the excess energy in weapons practice and magic, he wasn't sure how the Mary Sue kept her figure trim. Not that he wanted to know; half the castle was in love with her, and the other half was terrified of her. Galbatorix wasn't sure if he fit in either category.

He reached for the sausages, and next thing he knew, he was staring at the ceiling and his ears were ringing. Something cold and gloppy ran down the side of his face.

His guards were running around like scared chickens, Nick was cowering in a corner, and he was pretty sure the eldunari and Shruiken were laughing at him inside his head, although that could have been disorientation.

His head lolled, bringing about a whole world of pain, and he saw the broken remains of a stone jam jar lying beside his head.

The Mary Sue giggled. "Wow, I knew you had defensive spells and a hard head, but this just takes the cake!"

Galbatorix swiped his forearm across his face, cleaning up the sticky mess. "I wasn't taking your sausages, crazy woman," he groaned, eliciting protests from his lovestricken guards. ("She's not crazy!" "And call her a lady!" "Yeah!") He made a mental note to purge the guards. And stop using stone jars, in case the Mary Sue wanted to repeat her little trick.

The guards looked properly chastised, and most of them would probably be riding towards the Varden as fast as they could by nightfall, damn that Mary Sue. He really didn't need her giving his men ideas.

Amberosia casually walked over and took the plate of sausages, popping one suggestively into her mouth and then biting hard.

"Oooh, owned!" someone whispered, and Galbatorix mentally threw him across the room, where his body made a nice splatting pattern. The rest of his guard quickly reassembled and pretended nothing of interest was happening.

XxXxX

15. Shoot him in the butt with a suction dart gun.

Galbatorix held a magical ice pack to his temple and swollen cheekbone, wishing he could replace the large chuck of his magic that had been wasted in his vain attempt to stop the jam jar.

"How did it get past my shields, anyways?" he growled, glaring at the Mary Sue as he slouched on his throne. His crown sat beside him; it was incredibly heavy, and he wasn't going to wear it while he had a concussion, not if he could do without it.

"Magic nullification spell," the Mary Sue said triumphantly. "It eats the magic it comes into contact with."

Galbatorix cursed and wondered if it wasn't too late to break his contract with Shruiken and run away from Alagaesia.

"I'm going back home for a few days," the Mary Sue said jauntily as she walked into what appeared to be a random portal. "Don't get naughty!"

"This is my-" she heard Galbatorix snarl as she headed towards the nearest Wal-Mart to find a dart gun.

"How's it going?" Tensa-chan asked as they crossed the sidewalk.

"Fun," Amberosia said cheerfully. "Thanks for opening the portal, by the way."

"Nonsense," Tensa-chan said cheerfully. "I'm writing it all down and posting it on fanfiction."

Amberosia shuddered. "I hate meta fics."

"Not if no one knows any better!" Tensa-chan skipped off. "I'm boycotting Wal-Mart, so I'll just wait in the parking lot. See ya!"

Amberosia sighed as she searched Aisle 9 for a suitable dart gun. She finally found a bloated orange and yellow monstrosity on sale for a little over a dollar. She made her way to the checkout line, the other customers automatically moving to allow her to pass through and pay first and the cashier offering to pay for her out of his measly paycheck.

Amberosia smirked as she handed over the cash anyways. "I love being a Mary Sue." The cashier smiled at her dazedly and handed her the dart gun.

"I would have let the cashier pay," Tensa-chan grumbled as she rejoined Amberosia in the parking lot. "I hate Wal-Mart."

"You've mentioned it," Amberosia said distractedly, unwrapping the gun.

"Yeah, yeah," Tensa-chan grumbled as she poked at the discarded plastic, turning it into something that resembled a paper rose from hell. "Don't forget: Sod's Law, or Finagle's Law, for the non-British. Murphy's Law. Blah blah blah."

"That incident on Sephora Prime was your fault," Amberosia grumbled. "Don't worry, the Mary Sue Organization won't have any issues with this. We're Mary Sues, after all."

Tensa-chan opened up another portal, and Amberosia stepped through.

Galbatorix had a sudden, sinking feeling. "She's back?" one of his guards asked hopefully. Galbatorix made a mental note to have this batch purged as well.

The Mary Sue walked in, rose petals drifting around her and an enticing scent permeating the room. In her hand she held something round and blobby and far too brightly-colored to be a weapon.

Galbatorix stood up, fully intending to kick the Mary Sue back through the portal before she could ruin his life further.

"Hi, Tensa-chan!" Amberosia said cheerfully, waving to some point behind him. Galbatorix turned in horror, expecting to see one of the Mary Sue's accomplices, only to hear an odd _thwack_ and feel something softly impact the seat of his pants. He reached behind him and encountered a soft, spongy thing a little over an inch long attached to something hard, curved, and stuck from his pants. He frowned and tried to tug it out. It wouldn't come off.

Instead of panicking, Galbatorix took a deep breath and recited the Evil Overlord List in his mind. Obviously, the Mary Sue had access to different dimensions. This was probably a harmless prank, seeing as it hadn't tried to chew through his pants yet. On the other hand, detaching it might activate a delayed spell. Galbatorix reviewed his options, took a deep breath, and pulled, wincing and closing his eyes invariably.

Nothing happened.

The Mary Sue whooped as a light flashed throughout the room. "You should have seen the look on your face!" Galbatorix roared in anger and incinerated the projectile. The Mary Sue threw the blobby weapon back through the portal and shrugged. The portal closed, and Galbatorix cursed his missed chance at being rid of the Mary Sue even as his guards and courtiers cheered.

XxXxX

AN: Sorry this took so long. I started a new semester at college, and it's much, much harder than what I'm used to.


End file.
